Yay

Today was a good day.
Trip to Austin complete with kayaking, food, and friends.
Upon return, movie night with bubble tea and quesadillas.
It would be hard to beat.
:)

Knotted

I have this terrible aching/knotted feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel like I'm really nervous... or is it the other way around? It's been around for the last couple of days. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.

Or all of them to varying degrees.

It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.

I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?

I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.

The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.

My Way to Play Favorites

Don't you just love it when there's something you think you want, but by the time you realize what it is that you actually want, you figure out that you've had it all along? I mean, in some sense, it is frustrating because you could/should have been appreciating it for much longer. But in a bigger sense, that part doesn't really matter because there's a wave of warmth and satisfaction that washes over you.

Ok, so that was really vague. What is the point of writing in a blog if you aren't more specific? I guess it could be considered dramatic or something to leave it there, but there's no need for that.

It is just that this week I learned an important lesson that I should have learned in... oh say, first grade. It always seemed reasonable to me that I should be the best. At everything. One by one, this gets shot down in each arena in my life. Go figure. This week, the lesson was in one of my personal favorite topics: being a friend. I want to be everybody's favorite. I want people to pick me when they want a favor, to talk, to be entertained, to go to dinner, to go on a roadtrip, etc. I felt like I was vying for that one special spot in each of my friends' hearts. In that spot, I like to imagine there's a spotlight on me in a pretty display case below the banner "My Favorite Person." When I think like this, everybody else is competition for that honor. They must be defeated. I must outdo them.

So this week I learned that if there's any competition involved in friendships, something is not right. There's even a name for that. It is codependency. Uh oh. I'm placing my value where it was never meant to be found. When how many phone calls, texts, or wall posts I get (or don't get) becomes a measure of my worth, something is seriously wrong. Whoa. Dangerous.

But you know what? I don't really want to be people's favorite. What? Why not? Because I'm going to screw it up. It is inevitable. I will. I know it. That is not me being down on myself; that's just the truth. I screw up. Instead, what I really want is for my friends to be chasing Jesus, not me. He loves them perfectly and will never mess up anything for all of eternity. In fact, he fixes broken things- like me. If Jesus is spotlighted in the hearts of my friends, they will be more and more like him. Then they will have the grace to forgive me when I do screw up. That sounds like a much better deal: honor Jesus -> love people. In my own heart even, this is what is required. Dang. Yeah, I am included in that. I don't need to be the focus of my life.

Here's the freeing thing: when we're all chasing Jesus, it doesn't matter who jumps in to help us move that direction. It doesn't matter how much of a role those people play. It doesn't matter if they are funnier than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, or better at socialization. I'm not the favorite, and I don't want to be. Even so, my friends still care about me regardless of the presence of other people in their lives. Just like I can love each of them, so also they can have more than one friend. No competition necessary. Whew, that sure is nice!

Bad News First

I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

BAD: I hope Dad is ok. He's been in the hospital since yesterday because he was dehydrated from throwing up and stuff. Mom thinks he got something in Mexico. She is in Louisiana. Huh? Sometimes life is weird. I guess it makes more sense why she didn't return my call yesterday. I hope everything works out and the specialist finds everything to be normal.

GOOD: I got a 100 on my Global Economy test. I woke up this morning thinking I screwed up part of it, but I guess I was wrong about being wrong. I don't think I've gotten a 100 on something in a long time. It is especially nice because it is yet another indicator that buying textbooks is unnecessary (still haven't gotten them this semester). Also, I had an amazing parking spot yesterday for Breakaway. Seriously. Like the best parking spot I could have gotten. As I was driving up, I saw cars pretty far back in the lot and figured I would have a hard time parking. I breathed a little prayer. Then I almost drove by it. That spot. The one I've always wanted but never had. It was open. Thank you, Jesus.

Lord,
Thanks for your provisions, even in the little things like parking spots and good test grades. It feels good when things just seem to work out. On the other hand, sometimes things don't seem to work out- like when people we love get hospitalized or the girl that died this weekend in the parking garage. I pray that you would carry us through these things as you carry out your will. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Zones

Maybe I'm weird for doing this. Anybody I've ever talked to about this has given me a funny look and told me that I think too much. Yes, yes, I am aware of that. However, I think it is a God-given gift/curse, and I will continue to be that way. Get over it.

I put my friends into categories. I don't realize it while it is happening. Keep in mind this is all subconscious. “Categories” is really a bad way to describe it. It is really more like a continuum with different zones, which include but are not limited to the following:

Acquaintances
These are people that I recognize and know. I would say hi to them if I saw them around and maybe even have a brief conversation. Maybe I have their phone number. Maybe I've even called them before. Twice. I've got tons of people like this in my life.

Friends
These are people I like and enjoy. The distinguishing factor here is that we hang out. Maybe not regularly, but it would not be weird to call them up to make plans. I know what they are involved in, things they enjoy, where they live, what they drive. If they ask me for a favor, I'll do what I can to help. There are a lot of people like this in my life.

Good Friends
Ah, we're getting to the good part. Good friends are people that I would trust with my heart. This is where things get personal and attachment happens. These are people I take my junk to and people whose junk I'd love to help carry. I'd answer a phone call from them at 3 something am. I would do crazy things that make me uncomfortable, tired, hungry, or poor for them and not mind in the slightest. I pray for them regularly. There's only a few people like this. I can think of 4 or 5 with a couple more stuck somewhere between friends and good friends.

Best Friends
I don't really know what this looks like, but I think I'm beginning to get an idea. I have this feeling like there's a level (or zone, to reuse the same word) beyond good friends but before the mystery zones which I know nothing about. Best friends know each other so well they can predict the other's behavior fairly accurately a good chunk of the time. Sometimes they can even tell you why. Their emotions affect one another. They work to fill wants and needs, achieve hopes, and avoid fears [but face them when they come]. I think that this zone takes a lot of effort to maintain. Like I said, I don't really know. This is still pretty foggy.

All my friends fall somewhere in here and are subject to movement. Sometimes people are between two zones and it is hard to tell. Usually that is because I either haven't decided to trust them enough to graduate them to the next zone or because there hasn't been enough testing on the relationship to warrant a promotion. When this arrangement is most evident to me in my own mind is when somebody asks me how I'm doing. My head quickly evaluates what I'm willing to say based on what kind of friend they are.

Call me crazy, but this is just what I seem to do.

So lately...
It seems like I've been considering one of my friendships a lot the past couple days. Sadly, it hasn't been as good as I would have hoped. For a long time, I had hoped this person was a "safe person" as described in a previous post. Safe people make for great good friends.

I gave her opportunities. For example, one night last semester I told her I needed to work through some things so I was going for a drive. I asked if she wanted to come. She knows I don't normally make such an offer because she knows I tend to be an emotion stuffer. She said no, she needed to study (aside: I do not, in general, take well to studying coming before people. I don't let school come before my friends and like to think that they would do the same for me... but apparently not). Then she said, "But it would be good for you to talk about it with somebody... Well, I guess that's why you asked, huh? But I need to study. See you later though, OK?" Obviously, she was aware of what I was asking. There are some other similar examples. Toward the end of last semester I started figuring out that our friendship was pretty one-sided. Anything we did together was something I initiated. She was (and still is) too wrapped up in chasing a different friendship to put much effort into ours. Given my fear of one-sided relationships, I stopped pursuing it. Then, we stopped hanging out, which further supports my suspicions that it was one-sided.

It's just kind of a bummer, you know? I had hoped for a good friend, but it has become clear to me that she is happy as a clam in the friend zone. I mean, that's fine. That's a choice she is free to make. The problem is how I've been responding to that. I'm resentful even to the point of rudeness. That's not ok, even if I am a little hurt.

So, pray for me, will you? Thanks.

Eating Strategically

...and I'm not talking about a diet.

SITUATION: Say there are two kinds of pizza on the table (Pizza A and Pizza B). You like both A and B, but you prefer Pizza A. However, you are the only person around that likes Pizza A. What do you do?

For most of my life, it seemed perfectly reasonable to start off eating Pizza A. If I like it better, why not? I get what I want; other people get what they want. Everybody wins.

True enough, but I could be winning more.

I learned this lesson from my brother, although he always denies that he does this. I know better than to believe his denials because I have watched him do it time and time again.

In the aforementioned situation, if I start off eating Pizza B, then there will be leftovers of Pizza A that I will have to myself (since nobody else likes it). Thus, I win now by getting pizza that I like, and I win later by getting leftover pizza that I like even more. Granted, that means there's not as much Pizza B to go around, so some people might give in and eat some A because they're still hungry. The point is that I get the best of both worlds. Now, I'm sure how you can easily see how this applies to pies, cakes, casseroles, etc. Also, it works if there are only 2 or 3 people that like A and 10 that like B.

Therefore, in a world where selfishness is the driving force, one would pass up what he most desires and go for what is most popular to be better off in the long run. Seems a little counter-intuitive at first, but it makes sense when you think about it, right? Yeah, my brother is a sneaky fellow. He plans ahead.

Fears

My sister and her husband moved to France yesterday. Maybe I should say "left for France yesterday" instead because I don't think they are there yet even now. I've been praying for them and their flock of luggage to all make it there safely without a hitch. But on the other hand, I've also been praying for their car to sell, and my brother to get a job, and those things haven't quite worked out yet. o.O

Lately I've been noticing how scared I am about this semester. It isn't about grad school being hard, and it isn't even about paying the money I don't have (although that is scaring me- but it is not what's eating my lunch). I'm scared for my relationships.

You see, I keep getting this strong urge to quit Navigators that I couldn't explain until last night. That's when I really started thinking about why I have been so anxious. I have never been around a group of people this long since I was at Bell Manor, and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to be. Then again, this is why I chose to stick around at A&M in the first place- to deal with relationships lasting longer than 2 years. I just didn't think I would be so nervous about it as it looms closer and closer. With a few exceptions, I feel like I don't want to keep up the friendships I have built and would much rather be fleeing the country. I know my sister is scared too, but I've got to admit that I'm pretty jealous.