It would be great if gas wasn't so expensive. From an economic standpoint, I think its great that gas prices are rising because that means that eventually people won't buy it and finally better ways of getting around will crop up. However, as a consumer, it really is a pain in the neck.
Especially because driving is how I deal with life.
When I get frustrated, when I get angry, when I'm feeling down, when I get apathetic or depressed I go driving. Preferably fast. I like the access ramps where I can accelerate. In any case, there's just something about the privacy of being alone in my car mixed with the cathartic effect of velocity that makes me able to deal with things better in there.
This weekend I got frustrated, so I went driving tonight. I know it has a lot to do with my apathy that has been taking over lately. There's so many fake people saying and doing fake things around me that it makes me sick. The worst part is: I'm one of them. My relationship with God has been floundering for the past week or so. When it is that time of day that I usually read my Bible and spend time with Jesus, I've been making up excuses not to. Then I either make myself do it anyway or convince myself that if my heart isn't there that it isn't worth it. Recently I've been getting a bit worried about the future and not being able to leave it in God's hands. Which means that as I get further away from God, my friendships start affecting my mood a lot more (not good, I know). On the back burner of my mind, I already knew I had some stuff to deal with, and then on Friday a series of events made things worse.
In short, my friend and I had some plans. Through no fault of my own (or her own, or anybody's own really), it did not work out, and the point is that I ended up feeling like I let her down. Maybe that wouldn't be a big deal for a lot of people, but it is for me.
It all goes back to feeling as if I'm unworthy of being loved. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life that have ever made me feel honest-to-goodness genuinely loved. Obviously, that's not a good situation and has led to a lot of pain in my life as well as other issues (e.g. I have the hardest time trusting people). It is because of that pain that I have promised myself that the people around me that I'm close to won't have to feel that way. They won't have to be like me and wonder if there's even anybody that cares. I feel like if I can love people well enough that they feel safe (see previous post), then my own hurts won't matter anymore. Thus, I work to make sure my friends know that I love them, appreciate them, and would do anything for them [proviso: it is not illegal or sinful]. Falling short of this goal, like letting somebody down, makes me mad at myself. Then I feel like I have to work extra hard to regain lost approval from my mistakes.
Seriously though, what kind of friends would I have if that is how things worked between us? Mediocre ones. My friends are not mediocre. First off, my friend that I "let down" probably hasn't given a second thought to Friday night and more than likely has no clue that it sparked this inner turmoil in me. Secondly, even if she did feel shafted, she would know that it wasn't anybody's fault. Thirdly, she's wonderful and doesn't operate on friend karma, so it would be stupid to try to redeem myself.
In any case, the drive was good.
On the other hand, it is great to be back in Texas. Mom and I made an army of snickerdoodle cookies in preparation for Suzanne and Jake's arrival (but mostly for Jake's because he's the one that eats them by the dozen). Notice the missing ones off the tray. I had nothing to do with that. ;)
