Zones

Maybe I'm weird for doing this. Anybody I've ever talked to about this has given me a funny look and told me that I think too much. Yes, yes, I am aware of that. However, I think it is a God-given gift/curse, and I will continue to be that way. Get over it.

I put my friends into categories. I don't realize it while it is happening. Keep in mind this is all subconscious. “Categories” is really a bad way to describe it. It is really more like a continuum with different zones, which include but are not limited to the following:

Acquaintances
These are people that I recognize and know. I would say hi to them if I saw them around and maybe even have a brief conversation. Maybe I have their phone number. Maybe I've even called them before. Twice. I've got tons of people like this in my life.

Friends
These are people I like and enjoy. The distinguishing factor here is that we hang out. Maybe not regularly, but it would not be weird to call them up to make plans. I know what they are involved in, things they enjoy, where they live, what they drive. If they ask me for a favor, I'll do what I can to help. There are a lot of people like this in my life.

Good Friends
Ah, we're getting to the good part. Good friends are people that I would trust with my heart. This is where things get personal and attachment happens. These are people I take my junk to and people whose junk I'd love to help carry. I'd answer a phone call from them at 3 something am. I would do crazy things that make me uncomfortable, tired, hungry, or poor for them and not mind in the slightest. I pray for them regularly. There's only a few people like this. I can think of 4 or 5 with a couple more stuck somewhere between friends and good friends.

Best Friends
I don't really know what this looks like, but I think I'm beginning to get an idea. I have this feeling like there's a level (or zone, to reuse the same word) beyond good friends but before the mystery zones which I know nothing about. Best friends know each other so well they can predict the other's behavior fairly accurately a good chunk of the time. Sometimes they can even tell you why. Their emotions affect one another. They work to fill wants and needs, achieve hopes, and avoid fears [but face them when they come]. I think that this zone takes a lot of effort to maintain. Like I said, I don't really know. This is still pretty foggy.

All my friends fall somewhere in here and are subject to movement. Sometimes people are between two zones and it is hard to tell. Usually that is because I either haven't decided to trust them enough to graduate them to the next zone or because there hasn't been enough testing on the relationship to warrant a promotion. When this arrangement is most evident to me in my own mind is when somebody asks me how I'm doing. My head quickly evaluates what I'm willing to say based on what kind of friend they are.

Call me crazy, but this is just what I seem to do.

So lately...
It seems like I've been considering one of my friendships a lot the past couple days. Sadly, it hasn't been as good as I would have hoped. For a long time, I had hoped this person was a "safe person" as described in a previous post. Safe people make for great good friends.

I gave her opportunities. For example, one night last semester I told her I needed to work through some things so I was going for a drive. I asked if she wanted to come. She knows I don't normally make such an offer because she knows I tend to be an emotion stuffer. She said no, she needed to study (aside: I do not, in general, take well to studying coming before people. I don't let school come before my friends and like to think that they would do the same for me... but apparently not). Then she said, "But it would be good for you to talk about it with somebody... Well, I guess that's why you asked, huh? But I need to study. See you later though, OK?" Obviously, she was aware of what I was asking. There are some other similar examples. Toward the end of last semester I started figuring out that our friendship was pretty one-sided. Anything we did together was something I initiated. She was (and still is) too wrapped up in chasing a different friendship to put much effort into ours. Given my fear of one-sided relationships, I stopped pursuing it. Then, we stopped hanging out, which further supports my suspicions that it was one-sided.

It's just kind of a bummer, you know? I had hoped for a good friend, but it has become clear to me that she is happy as a clam in the friend zone. I mean, that's fine. That's a choice she is free to make. The problem is how I've been responding to that. I'm resentful even to the point of rudeness. That's not ok, even if I am a little hurt.

So, pray for me, will you? Thanks.

Eating Strategically

...and I'm not talking about a diet.

SITUATION: Say there are two kinds of pizza on the table (Pizza A and Pizza B). You like both A and B, but you prefer Pizza A. However, you are the only person around that likes Pizza A. What do you do?

For most of my life, it seemed perfectly reasonable to start off eating Pizza A. If I like it better, why not? I get what I want; other people get what they want. Everybody wins.

True enough, but I could be winning more.

I learned this lesson from my brother, although he always denies that he does this. I know better than to believe his denials because I have watched him do it time and time again.

In the aforementioned situation, if I start off eating Pizza B, then there will be leftovers of Pizza A that I will have to myself (since nobody else likes it). Thus, I win now by getting pizza that I like, and I win later by getting leftover pizza that I like even more. Granted, that means there's not as much Pizza B to go around, so some people might give in and eat some A because they're still hungry. The point is that I get the best of both worlds. Now, I'm sure how you can easily see how this applies to pies, cakes, casseroles, etc. Also, it works if there are only 2 or 3 people that like A and 10 that like B.

Therefore, in a world where selfishness is the driving force, one would pass up what he most desires and go for what is most popular to be better off in the long run. Seems a little counter-intuitive at first, but it makes sense when you think about it, right? Yeah, my brother is a sneaky fellow. He plans ahead.

Fears

My sister and her husband moved to France yesterday. Maybe I should say "left for France yesterday" instead because I don't think they are there yet even now. I've been praying for them and their flock of luggage to all make it there safely without a hitch. But on the other hand, I've also been praying for their car to sell, and my brother to get a job, and those things haven't quite worked out yet. o.O

Lately I've been noticing how scared I am about this semester. It isn't about grad school being hard, and it isn't even about paying the money I don't have (although that is scaring me- but it is not what's eating my lunch). I'm scared for my relationships.

You see, I keep getting this strong urge to quit Navigators that I couldn't explain until last night. That's when I really started thinking about why I have been so anxious. I have never been around a group of people this long since I was at Bell Manor, and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to be. Then again, this is why I chose to stick around at A&M in the first place- to deal with relationships lasting longer than 2 years. I just didn't think I would be so nervous about it as it looms closer and closer. With a few exceptions, I feel like I don't want to keep up the friendships I have built and would much rather be fleeing the country. I know my sister is scared too, but I've got to admit that I'm pretty jealous.

Colorado and Cookies

Colorado was just as wonderful as one might suspect. The Navs have a beautiful castle up there that I've wanted to see for a couple years now, and I finally got the chance. I got to see some dear friends from the past, make some new friends, as well as get to hang out with current ones- all while getting sound Biblical teaching and praising God for the stunning Rocky Mountains.

The van ride was quite the experience. I love road trips to begin with, and it was fun just observing our group. I feel like everybody fit into an archetype. We had the Child, the Jester, the Cavalier, the Theorist, the Plotter, the Optimist, and the Flirt. In the van, we played Bull & Klingon, sang Christmas carols to people over the phone, read, took naps, discussed video ideas for next semester and just got to hang out with some cool kids.

Sadly, it was bitterly cold in Colorado as thermometers were warming up if they registered anywhere above 0. Oy! Mostly I say that to sound tough. I hardly ever went outside during my stay there. As much as I may complain, keep in mind that I very much enjoyed it.

On the other hand, it is great to be back in Texas. Mom and I made an army of snickerdoodle cookies in preparation for Suzanne and Jake's arrival (but mostly for Jake's because he's the one that eats them by the dozen). Notice the missing ones off the tray. I had nothing to do with that. ;)

Graduation

In less than 12 hours, a ceremony will begin that marks the end of one of my stages in life.

Not exactly because I will still be in school, but the point is that I feel like I don't deserve it. What kind of 20 year old has a diploma anyway?

I'm too young. I don't know anything. Theoretically, I could be entering the working world, but who would hire me? I don't have any real plans (much to the dismay of my mother), no way to make money or support myself, no experience... I'm just feeling so ill-equipped to be where I am.

Someone recently told me, "you don't want to be the person you're becoming." That was a blow. Definitely had a tearful drive after that one. As if personal identity isn't a big deal or something. Thankfully, my go-to gal is a gift from the Lord and immediately refuted all the terrible things that were said (and also responds to texts at 2:14 am as I am reflecting upon my life and thinking about graduation). But still, those things were said even if they aren't true. And what if maybe they are a little true?

I don't know. Who needs sleep on a night like this anyway? The moon is gorgeous tonight.