Is that even ok?

This past weekend was awkward.

I know I certainly played a big part in that, but at the same time I know that it wasn't just me. It has been a while since things were awkward, so it was bound to happen anyway.

What I can't get over is how much it messed with me. My appetite was shot, I could hardly sleep, and it felt like Mothra had invited all his giant winged friends over to my stomach for a weekend-long party. I hadn't really been able to sleep all week, so I can't say for sure that insomnia was related to friendship tensions.

Is that even ok? In some sense, I know that strained relationships are bound to take some kind of toll- especially close relationships that are important to me. But on the other hand, it seems somehow unbiblical to be so affected by a friend. Does it mean I'm not trusting Jesus?

Something else that has been bugging me is how utterly afraid I was. I was paralyzed by fear in the moment, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to ask for simple needs. Then after the fact, I wanted so badly to talk about it, yet the thought made me want to hurl. Where did that come from?!? For at least the first year and a half (maybe more) of this particular friendship, I felt like I was walking a fine line. I thought that at my next offense or mistake, that would be the end. I was shocked everytime I was forgiven for anything. Obviously, I was dealing with issues of trust, and I am unhappy to see the extent that I still am. It's like I haven't grown at all, and that is disheartening.

Why is it so hard for me to believe, and I mean really believe deep deep down in the recesses of my being, that I am loved? Why is it harder with some people than others? How come I feel unworthy of friendship? Why do I tell myself that new people are too cool to want to associate with me?

We've talked about it, and we're good now. It's just in that teetery phase of "now that the pink elephant has been addressed, what do we talk about now?" After we had talked, I cried on my way to class. Not a whole lot, but a couple tears down my cheeks. I was about to start crying during class, but fortunately I got my eyes to stop at welling up. It was the weirdest thing. I wanted to cry all weekend, but I couldn't. It felt good, but I was caught off-guard and very confused by it. It should have come before or maybe during the talk. By the time I was in my truck, I was certain it wouldn't happen, but the crazy flood of emotion that had been festering for days finally broke out. I had unintentionally been the kind of person I had not wanted to be, driven by fear and doubt to behave foolishly. The thought crossed my mind that I should have apologized a little more profusely. However, I was also more than happy that the fear of what was coming had finally blown over. Guilt and relief made for a strange mix, like when you try snocone flavors that don't really go together but there's something interesting about the combination that makes you finish the whole thing.

I just don't know what to make of it all.

My Way to Play Favorites

Don't you just love it when there's something you think you want, but by the time you realize what it is that you actually want, you figure out that you've had it all along? I mean, in some sense, it is frustrating because you could/should have been appreciating it for much longer. But in a bigger sense, that part doesn't really matter because there's a wave of warmth and satisfaction that washes over you.

Ok, so that was really vague. What is the point of writing in a blog if you aren't more specific? I guess it could be considered dramatic or something to leave it there, but there's no need for that.

It is just that this week I learned an important lesson that I should have learned in... oh say, first grade. It always seemed reasonable to me that I should be the best. At everything. One by one, this gets shot down in each arena in my life. Go figure. This week, the lesson was in one of my personal favorite topics: being a friend. I want to be everybody's favorite. I want people to pick me when they want a favor, to talk, to be entertained, to go to dinner, to go on a roadtrip, etc. I felt like I was vying for that one special spot in each of my friends' hearts. In that spot, I like to imagine there's a spotlight on me in a pretty display case below the banner "My Favorite Person." When I think like this, everybody else is competition for that honor. They must be defeated. I must outdo them.

So this week I learned that if there's any competition involved in friendships, something is not right. There's even a name for that. It is codependency. Uh oh. I'm placing my value where it was never meant to be found. When how many phone calls, texts, or wall posts I get (or don't get) becomes a measure of my worth, something is seriously wrong. Whoa. Dangerous.

But you know what? I don't really want to be people's favorite. What? Why not? Because I'm going to screw it up. It is inevitable. I will. I know it. That is not me being down on myself; that's just the truth. I screw up. Instead, what I really want is for my friends to be chasing Jesus, not me. He loves them perfectly and will never mess up anything for all of eternity. In fact, he fixes broken things- like me. If Jesus is spotlighted in the hearts of my friends, they will be more and more like him. Then they will have the grace to forgive me when I do screw up. That sounds like a much better deal: honor Jesus -> love people. In my own heart even, this is what is required. Dang. Yeah, I am included in that. I don't need to be the focus of my life.

Here's the freeing thing: when we're all chasing Jesus, it doesn't matter who jumps in to help us move that direction. It doesn't matter how much of a role those people play. It doesn't matter if they are funnier than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, or better at socialization. I'm not the favorite, and I don't want to be. Even so, my friends still care about me regardless of the presence of other people in their lives. Just like I can love each of them, so also they can have more than one friend. No competition necessary. Whew, that sure is nice!

Zones

Maybe I'm weird for doing this. Anybody I've ever talked to about this has given me a funny look and told me that I think too much. Yes, yes, I am aware of that. However, I think it is a God-given gift/curse, and I will continue to be that way. Get over it.

I put my friends into categories. I don't realize it while it is happening. Keep in mind this is all subconscious. “Categories” is really a bad way to describe it. It is really more like a continuum with different zones, which include but are not limited to the following:

Acquaintances
These are people that I recognize and know. I would say hi to them if I saw them around and maybe even have a brief conversation. Maybe I have their phone number. Maybe I've even called them before. Twice. I've got tons of people like this in my life.

Friends
These are people I like and enjoy. The distinguishing factor here is that we hang out. Maybe not regularly, but it would not be weird to call them up to make plans. I know what they are involved in, things they enjoy, where they live, what they drive. If they ask me for a favor, I'll do what I can to help. There are a lot of people like this in my life.

Good Friends
Ah, we're getting to the good part. Good friends are people that I would trust with my heart. This is where things get personal and attachment happens. These are people I take my junk to and people whose junk I'd love to help carry. I'd answer a phone call from them at 3 something am. I would do crazy things that make me uncomfortable, tired, hungry, or poor for them and not mind in the slightest. I pray for them regularly. There's only a few people like this. I can think of 4 or 5 with a couple more stuck somewhere between friends and good friends.

Best Friends
I don't really know what this looks like, but I think I'm beginning to get an idea. I have this feeling like there's a level (or zone, to reuse the same word) beyond good friends but before the mystery zones which I know nothing about. Best friends know each other so well they can predict the other's behavior fairly accurately a good chunk of the time. Sometimes they can even tell you why. Their emotions affect one another. They work to fill wants and needs, achieve hopes, and avoid fears [but face them when they come]. I think that this zone takes a lot of effort to maintain. Like I said, I don't really know. This is still pretty foggy.

All my friends fall somewhere in here and are subject to movement. Sometimes people are between two zones and it is hard to tell. Usually that is because I either haven't decided to trust them enough to graduate them to the next zone or because there hasn't been enough testing on the relationship to warrant a promotion. When this arrangement is most evident to me in my own mind is when somebody asks me how I'm doing. My head quickly evaluates what I'm willing to say based on what kind of friend they are.

Call me crazy, but this is just what I seem to do.

So lately...
It seems like I've been considering one of my friendships a lot the past couple days. Sadly, it hasn't been as good as I would have hoped. For a long time, I had hoped this person was a "safe person" as described in a previous post. Safe people make for great good friends.

I gave her opportunities. For example, one night last semester I told her I needed to work through some things so I was going for a drive. I asked if she wanted to come. She knows I don't normally make such an offer because she knows I tend to be an emotion stuffer. She said no, she needed to study (aside: I do not, in general, take well to studying coming before people. I don't let school come before my friends and like to think that they would do the same for me... but apparently not). Then she said, "But it would be good for you to talk about it with somebody... Well, I guess that's why you asked, huh? But I need to study. See you later though, OK?" Obviously, she was aware of what I was asking. There are some other similar examples. Toward the end of last semester I started figuring out that our friendship was pretty one-sided. Anything we did together was something I initiated. She was (and still is) too wrapped up in chasing a different friendship to put much effort into ours. Given my fear of one-sided relationships, I stopped pursuing it. Then, we stopped hanging out, which further supports my suspicions that it was one-sided.

It's just kind of a bummer, you know? I had hoped for a good friend, but it has become clear to me that she is happy as a clam in the friend zone. I mean, that's fine. That's a choice she is free to make. The problem is how I've been responding to that. I'm resentful even to the point of rudeness. That's not ok, even if I am a little hurt.

So, pray for me, will you? Thanks.

Fears

My sister and her husband moved to France yesterday. Maybe I should say "left for France yesterday" instead because I don't think they are there yet even now. I've been praying for them and their flock of luggage to all make it there safely without a hitch. But on the other hand, I've also been praying for their car to sell, and my brother to get a job, and those things haven't quite worked out yet. o.O

Lately I've been noticing how scared I am about this semester. It isn't about grad school being hard, and it isn't even about paying the money I don't have (although that is scaring me- but it is not what's eating my lunch). I'm scared for my relationships.

You see, I keep getting this strong urge to quit Navigators that I couldn't explain until last night. That's when I really started thinking about why I have been so anxious. I have never been around a group of people this long since I was at Bell Manor, and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to be. Then again, this is why I chose to stick around at A&M in the first place- to deal with relationships lasting longer than 2 years. I just didn't think I would be so nervous about it as it looms closer and closer. With a few exceptions, I feel like I don't want to keep up the friendships I have built and would much rather be fleeing the country. I know my sister is scared too, but I've got to admit that I'm pretty jealous.

When I Go Driving

It would be great if gas wasn't so expensive. From an economic standpoint, I think its great that gas prices are rising because that means that eventually people won't buy it and finally better ways of getting around will crop up. However, as a consumer, it really is a pain in the neck.

Especially because driving is how I deal with life.

When I get frustrated, when I get angry, when I'm feeling down, when I get apathetic or depressed I go driving. Preferably fast. I like the access ramps where I can accelerate. In any case, there's just something about the privacy of being alone in my car mixed with the cathartic effect of velocity that makes me able to deal with things better in there.

This weekend I got frustrated, so I went driving tonight. I know it has a lot to do with my apathy that has been taking over lately. There's so many fake people saying and doing fake things around me that it makes me sick. The worst part is: I'm one of them. My relationship with God has been floundering for the past week or so. When it is that time of day that I usually read my Bible and spend time with Jesus, I've been making up excuses not to. Then I either make myself do it anyway or convince myself that if my heart isn't there that it isn't worth it. Recently I've been getting a bit worried about the future and not being able to leave it in God's hands. Which means that as I get further away from God, my friendships start affecting my mood a lot more (not good, I know). On the back burner of my mind, I already knew I had some stuff to deal with, and then on Friday a series of events made things worse.

In short, my friend and I had some plans. Through no fault of my own (or her own, or anybody's own really), it did not work out, and the point is that I ended up feeling like I let her down. Maybe that wouldn't be a big deal for a lot of people, but it is for me.

It all goes back to feeling as if I'm unworthy of being loved. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life that have ever made me feel honest-to-goodness genuinely loved. Obviously, that's not a good situation and has led to a lot of pain in my life as well as other issues (e.g. I have the hardest time trusting people). It is because of that pain that I have promised myself that the people around me that I'm close to won't have to feel that way. They won't have to be like me and wonder if there's even anybody that cares. I feel like if I can love people well enough that they feel safe (see previous post), then my own hurts won't matter anymore. Thus, I work to make sure my friends know that I love them, appreciate them, and would do anything for them [proviso: it is not illegal or sinful]. Falling short of this goal, like letting somebody down, makes me mad at myself. Then I feel like I have to work extra hard to regain lost approval from my mistakes.

Seriously though, what kind of friends would I have if that is how things worked between us? Mediocre ones. My friends are not mediocre. First off, my friend that I "let down" probably hasn't given a second thought to Friday night and more than likely has no clue that it sparked this inner turmoil in me. Secondly, even if she did feel shafted, she would know that it wasn't anybody's fault. Thirdly, she's wonderful and doesn't operate on friend karma, so it would be stupid to try to redeem myself.

In any case, the drive was good.

Safe

Last night as I was going to bed, I was thinking of what the concept of safety means to me. We are going with emotional safety, in particular, just to clarify. Maybe it is a little different than most people's idea, but whatever.

There are few people in my life that I consider "safe" people.

Allow me to explain. A "safe" person is somebody that I feel like it is alright to be real with. I can be angry and frustrated, at them or the world at large, and that they are going to be ok with that. I can be stupid and make lame jokes, and that's ok too. I can be silent, and nobody's missing the noise. Honestly, I think all anybody's really looking for is safe people because when you've got safe people, you can be fully known and feel good about it. I just put a name to it.

One of the hard things about finding safe people is wanting to be safe so badly that I convince myself that unsafe people are safe. By unsafe people, I'm not talking about creepers or perverts. I mean close friends that I think should be safe. Whenever I make myself vulnerable to them, bad things happen. It is damaging to our friendship for me to express emotions. Something is wrong with that, yet I still value the friendship too much to do anything about it.

So I just keep looking.

It is weird how sometimes you can meet someone and be safe immediately, and sometimes even after years of being friends there's some unsafe blockage.

Once you find a safe person or two, appreciate them. They are hard to come by. I'm 20 years old, and I've only got a few. I choose to be grateful for those few. It is much better than none.