the Future

As I am quickly approaching the end of my time in college (round 2), I can't help but want more. More friends. More freedom. More Nav functions. More late nights. More crap food. More time with my roommates in my house that needs more maintenance.

I guess there's a lot to look forward to. I just don't know what it all is yet, so it makes it hard to picture. There will hopefully be a salary in there with a good dose of independence as well. I'm still going to be living with my parents though, so maybe not so much. Btw, that is pretty embarrassing to tell people. "Yeah! I'm about to get a master's degree. What am I doing with that? Moving back in with my parents." Whatever. Don't judge me people. I moved out when I had barely turned 16. Give me a break.

For the summer, I will be doing a study of Proverbs. I already started. Originally, that was my plan for the semester, but circumstances dictated otherwise. In any case, I'm so glad to be back. At least now 121 Community Church's series on Proverbs is mostly done, so I can learn from Ross' material as well. I'm excited about this opportunity to soak up the wisdom of the Proverbs. It is important to remember that they aren't necessarily promises of how life will work out for you, but they present a system of wise choices and a way to navigate the world that God has made.

A verse that has stood out to me lately is Proverbs 3:27
"When it is in your power, don't withhold good from the one to whom it is due." (HCSB)
What strikes me is that it doesn't say anything about how this person earned the good that should be coming to them. It is silent on whether it is even I who owe it to them. There are no specifics about what particular realm it applies to.

Money? Food? Stuff? When somebody is doing something worthwhile, they may require some financial assistance from the body of Christ. This is easily seen by those in ministry positions that have to fundraise. Am I on board with that? And how do I pick what to give to? If I gave to every worthwhile effort, I couldn't make enough money to fill the needs. I think it is important to keep this principle in mind as we interact with people every day. Are people making needs known that we do nothing to address?

Favor? Respect? Praise and affirmation? Give positive reviews of things that are good! If you like it, say so. When people show kindness, appreciate that- whether the kindness was directed to you or not. Thank people for the things they do for you. Little things too!

Attention? People are deserving of your time. They are made in the image of God. They have ideas and thoughts and emotions. If they want your input, give it to them. I mean, be wise. I'm not saying you should hang out with everyone that comes along. Operate within appropriate boundaries on your own ideas, thoughts and emotions. What I am saying is that you can't write people off and ignore them. I remember having this difficult battle in my head once about whether or not I should avoid people I don't particularly like. I don't know that I ever came to a good conclusion on that one... Anyway, now I am wondering what would make somebody undeserving of my time? Stubbornness, arrogance, unrepentant foolishness, deception. Indicators that somebody won't listen to what anybody has to say to them or else have some other agenda. Anyway, moving on.

Prayers? Let's face it. Everybody and everything is always in need of more prayer. We could all stand to spend more time talking with the Lord. Again, if I prayed for every worthy cause, then I would never be doing anything else! Maybe that's the point. We are not to be discouraged by the volume of what needs to happen in the world, but it should spur us on. I know a ton of people I could be be praying for a lot more than I am. There's oodles of situations in my own life that I do not pray enough about! Don't withhold the good.

What about guidance, correction or rebuke? Those things are ultimately good (when done the right way), but they don't always taste very pleasant on the way down. They are kind of like verbal vegetables. Could it be talking about that as well? Maybe. Just a thought.

So that's something I have been considering lately.

Knotted

I have this terrible aching/knotted feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel like I'm really nervous... or is it the other way around? It's been around for the last couple of days. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.

Or all of them to varying degrees.

It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.

I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?

I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.

The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.