My back has been tight and achy the past couple days.
My eye started burning randomly tonight at Rosa's and won't quit.
My throat has been dry and sore since Thursday.
My nose is stuffy (but mostly in the mornings).
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings and have little motivation once i'm finally up. I don't understand my classes and feel totally behind in all of them. I haven't applied for any jobs, mostly because i haven't really looked. I haven't really looked because i am scared of the future and feel like i don't know anything.
Saturday nights stink. They are supposed to be fun and exciting, and when they aren't I get really disappointed. There's no way around it.
Anyway, I'm feeling grouchy, achy, sad, frustrated, lonely, a little mad, tired, overwhelmed, and disheartened. I know complaining is bad, but I figured complaining to the black hole that is the Interweb might be better than to a person. I just wanted to get it out.
2.27.2010
5.03.2009
Yay
Today was a good day.
Trip to Austin complete with kayaking, food, and friends.
Upon return, movie night with bubble tea and quesadillas.
It would be hard to beat.
:)
Trip to Austin complete with kayaking, food, and friends.
Upon return, movie night with bubble tea and quesadillas.
It would be hard to beat.
:)
4.13.2009
Knotted
I have this terrible aching/knotted feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel like I'm really nervous... or is it the other way around? It's been around for the last couple of days. I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.
Or all of them to varying degrees.
It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.
I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?
I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.
The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.
Or all of them to varying degrees.
It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.
I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?
I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.
The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.
3.29.2009
My Way to Play Favorites
Don't you just love it when there's something you think you want, but by the time you realize what it is that you actually want, you figure out that you've had it all along? I mean, in some sense, it is frustrating because you could/should have been appreciating it for much longer. But in a bigger sense, that part doesn't really matter because there's a wave of warmth and satisfaction that washes over you.
Ok, so that was really vague. What is the point of writing in a blog if you aren't more specific? I guess it could be considered dramatic or something to leave it there, but there's no need for that.
It is just that this week I learned an important lesson that I should have learned in... oh say, first grade. It always seemed reasonable to me that I should be the best. At everything. One by one, this gets shot down in each arena in my life. Go figure. This week, the lesson was in one of my personal favorite topics: being a friend. I want to be everybody's favorite. I want people to pick me when they want a favor, to talk, to be entertained, to go to dinner, to go on a roadtrip, etc. I felt like I was vying for that one special spot in each of my friends' hearts. In that spot, I like to imagine there's a spotlight on me in a pretty display case below the banner "My Favorite Person." When I think like this, everybody else is competition for that honor. They must be defeated. I must outdo them.
So this week I learned that if there's any competition involved in friendships, something is not right. There's even a name for that. It is codependency. Uh oh. I'm placing my value where it was never meant to be found. When how many phone calls, texts, or wall posts I get (or don't get) becomes a measure of my worth, something is seriously wrong. Whoa. Dangerous.
But you know what? I don't really want to be people's favorite. What? Why not? Because I'm going to screw it up. It is inevitable. I will. I know it. That is not me being down on myself; that's just the truth. I screw up. Instead, what I really want is for my friends to be chasing Jesus, not me. He loves them perfectly and will never mess up anything for all of eternity. In fact, he fixes broken things- like me. If Jesus is spotlighted in the hearts of my friends, they will be more and more like him. Then they will have the grace to forgive me when I do screw up. That sounds like a much better deal: honor Jesus -> love people. In my own heart even, this is what is required. Dang. Yeah, I am included in that. I don't need to be the focus of my life.
Here's the freeing thing: when we're all chasing Jesus, it doesn't matter who jumps in to help us move that direction. It doesn't matter how much of a role those people play. It doesn't matter if they are funnier than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, or better at socialization. I'm not the favorite, and I don't want to be. Even so, my friends still care about me regardless of the presence of other people in their lives. Just like I can love each of them, so also they can have more than one friend. No competition necessary. Whew, that sure is nice!
Ok, so that was really vague. What is the point of writing in a blog if you aren't more specific? I guess it could be considered dramatic or something to leave it there, but there's no need for that.
It is just that this week I learned an important lesson that I should have learned in... oh say, first grade. It always seemed reasonable to me that I should be the best. At everything. One by one, this gets shot down in each arena in my life. Go figure. This week, the lesson was in one of my personal favorite topics: being a friend. I want to be everybody's favorite. I want people to pick me when they want a favor, to talk, to be entertained, to go to dinner, to go on a roadtrip, etc. I felt like I was vying for that one special spot in each of my friends' hearts. In that spot, I like to imagine there's a spotlight on me in a pretty display case below the banner "My Favorite Person." When I think like this, everybody else is competition for that honor. They must be defeated. I must outdo them.
So this week I learned that if there's any competition involved in friendships, something is not right. There's even a name for that. It is codependency. Uh oh. I'm placing my value where it was never meant to be found. When how many phone calls, texts, or wall posts I get (or don't get) becomes a measure of my worth, something is seriously wrong. Whoa. Dangerous.
But you know what? I don't really want to be people's favorite. What? Why not? Because I'm going to screw it up. It is inevitable. I will. I know it. That is not me being down on myself; that's just the truth. I screw up. Instead, what I really want is for my friends to be chasing Jesus, not me. He loves them perfectly and will never mess up anything for all of eternity. In fact, he fixes broken things- like me. If Jesus is spotlighted in the hearts of my friends, they will be more and more like him. Then they will have the grace to forgive me when I do screw up. That sounds like a much better deal: honor Jesus -> love people. In my own heart even, this is what is required. Dang. Yeah, I am included in that. I don't need to be the focus of my life.
Here's the freeing thing: when we're all chasing Jesus, it doesn't matter who jumps in to help us move that direction. It doesn't matter how much of a role those people play. It doesn't matter if they are funnier than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, or better at socialization. I'm not the favorite, and I don't want to be. Even so, my friends still care about me regardless of the presence of other people in their lives. Just like I can love each of them, so also they can have more than one friend. No competition necessary. Whew, that sure is nice!
3.04.2009
Bad News First
I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
BAD: I hope Dad is ok. He's been in the hospital since yesterday because he was dehydrated from throwing up and stuff. Mom thinks he got something in Mexico. She is in Louisiana. Huh? Sometimes life is weird. I guess it makes more sense why she didn't return my call yesterday. I hope everything works out and the specialist finds everything to be normal.
GOOD: I got a 100 on my Global Economy test. I woke up this morning thinking I screwed up part of it, but I guess I was wrong about being wrong. I don't think I've gotten a 100 on something in a long time. It is especially nice because it is yet another indicator that buying textbooks is unnecessary (still haven't gotten them this semester). Also, I had an amazing parking spot yesterday for Breakaway. Seriously. Like the best parking spot I could have gotten. As I was driving up, I saw cars pretty far back in the lot and figured I would have a hard time parking. I breathed a little prayer. Then I almost drove by it. That spot. The one I've always wanted but never had. It was open. Thank you, Jesus.
Lord,
Thanks for your provisions, even in the little things like parking spots and good test grades. It feels good when things just seem to work out. On the other hand, sometimes things don't seem to work out- like when people we love get hospitalized or the girl that died this weekend in the parking garage. I pray that you would carry us through these things as you carry out your will. In Jesus' name, Amen.
BAD: I hope Dad is ok. He's been in the hospital since yesterday because he was dehydrated from throwing up and stuff. Mom thinks he got something in Mexico. She is in Louisiana. Huh? Sometimes life is weird. I guess it makes more sense why she didn't return my call yesterday. I hope everything works out and the specialist finds everything to be normal.
GOOD: I got a 100 on my Global Economy test. I woke up this morning thinking I screwed up part of it, but I guess I was wrong about being wrong. I don't think I've gotten a 100 on something in a long time. It is especially nice because it is yet another indicator that buying textbooks is unnecessary (still haven't gotten them this semester). Also, I had an amazing parking spot yesterday for Breakaway. Seriously. Like the best parking spot I could have gotten. As I was driving up, I saw cars pretty far back in the lot and figured I would have a hard time parking. I breathed a little prayer. Then I almost drove by it. That spot. The one I've always wanted but never had. It was open. Thank you, Jesus.
Lord,
Thanks for your provisions, even in the little things like parking spots and good test grades. It feels good when things just seem to work out. On the other hand, sometimes things don't seem to work out- like when people we love get hospitalized or the girl that died this weekend in the parking garage. I pray that you would carry us through these things as you carry out your will. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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