As I am quickly approaching the end of my time in college (round 2), I can't help but want more. More friends. More freedom. More Nav functions. More late nights. More crap food. More time with my roommates in my house that needs more maintenance.
I guess there's a lot to look forward to. I just don't know what it all is yet, so it makes it hard to picture. There will hopefully be a salary in there with a good dose of independence as well. I'm still going to be living with my parents though, so maybe not so much. Btw, that is pretty embarrassing to tell people. "Yeah! I'm about to get a master's degree. What am I doing with that? Moving back in with my parents." Whatever. Don't judge me people. I moved out when I had barely turned 16. Give me a break.
For the summer, I will be doing a study of Proverbs. I already started. Originally, that was my plan for the semester, but circumstances dictated otherwise. In any case, I'm so glad to be back. At least now 121 Community Church's series on Proverbs is mostly done, so I can learn from Ross' material as well. I'm excited about this opportunity to soak up the wisdom of the Proverbs. It is important to remember that they aren't necessarily promises of how life will work out for you, but they present a system of wise choices and a way to navigate the world that God has made.
A verse that has stood out to me lately is Proverbs 3:27
"When it is in your power, don't withhold good from the one to whom it is due." (HCSB)
What strikes me is that it doesn't say anything about how this person earned the good that should be coming to them. It is silent on whether it is even I who owe it to them. There are no specifics about what particular realm it applies to.
Money? Food? Stuff? When somebody is doing something worthwhile, they may require some financial assistance from the body of Christ. This is easily seen by those in ministry positions that have to fundraise. Am I on board with that? And how do I pick what to give to? If I gave to every worthwhile effort, I couldn't make enough money to fill the needs. I think it is important to keep this principle in mind as we interact with people every day. Are people making needs known that we do nothing to address?
Favor? Respect? Praise and affirmation? Give positive reviews of things that are good! If you like it, say so. When people show kindness, appreciate that- whether the kindness was directed to you or not. Thank people for the things they do for you. Little things too!
Attention? People are deserving of your time. They are made in the image of God. They have ideas and thoughts and emotions. If they want your input, give it to them. I mean, be wise. I'm not saying you should hang out with everyone that comes along. Operate within appropriate boundaries on your own ideas, thoughts and emotions. What I am saying is that you can't write people off and ignore them. I remember having this difficult battle in my head once about whether or not I should avoid people I don't particularly like. I don't know that I ever came to a good conclusion on that one... Anyway, now I am wondering what would make somebody undeserving of my time? Stubbornness, arrogance, unrepentant foolishness, deception. Indicators that somebody won't listen to what anybody has to say to them or else have some other agenda. Anyway, moving on.
Prayers? Let's face it. Everybody and everything is always in need of more prayer. We could all stand to spend more time talking with the Lord. Again, if I prayed for every worthy cause, then I would never be doing anything else! Maybe that's the point. We are not to be discouraged by the volume of what needs to happen in the world, but it should spur us on. I know a ton of people I could be be praying for a lot more than I am. There's oodles of situations in my own life that I do not pray enough about! Don't withhold the good.
What about guidance, correction or rebuke? Those things are ultimately good (when done the right way), but they don't always taste very pleasant on the way down. They are kind of like verbal vegetables. Could it be talking about that as well? Maybe. Just a thought.
So that's something I have been considering lately.
5.09.2010
3.29.2010
Is that even ok?
This past weekend was awkward.
I know I certainly played a big part in that, but at the same time I know that it wasn't just me. It has been a while since things were awkward, so it was bound to happen anyway.
What I can't get over is how much it messed with me. My appetite was shot, I could hardly sleep, and it felt like Mothra had invited all his giant winged friends over to my stomach for a weekend-long party. I hadn't really been able to sleep all week, so I can't say for sure that insomnia was related to friendship tensions.
Is that even ok? In some sense, I know that strained relationships are bound to take some kind of toll- especially close relationships that are important to me. But on the other hand, it seems somehow unbiblical to be so affected by a friend. Does it mean I'm not trusting Jesus?
Something else that has been bugging me is how utterly afraid I was. I was paralyzed by fear in the moment, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to ask for simple needs. Then after the fact, I wanted so badly to talk about it, yet the thought made me want to hurl. Where did that come from?!? For at least the first year and a half (maybe more) of this particular friendship, I felt like I was walking a fine line. I thought that at my next offense or mistake, that would be the end. I was shocked everytime I was forgiven for anything. Obviously, I was dealing with issues of trust, and I am unhappy to see the extent that I still am. It's like I haven't grown at all, and that is disheartening.
Why is it so hard for me to believe, and I mean really believe deep deep down in the recesses of my being, that I am loved? Why is it harder with some people than others? How come I feel unworthy of friendship? Why do I tell myself that new people are too cool to want to associate with me?
We've talked about it, and we're good now. It's just in that teetery phase of "now that the pink elephant has been addressed, what do we talk about now?" After we had talked, I cried on my way to class. Not a whole lot, but a couple tears down my cheeks. I was about to start crying during class, but fortunately I got my eyes to stop at welling up. It was the weirdest thing. I wanted to cry all weekend, but I couldn't. It felt good, but I was caught off-guard and very confused by it. It should have come before or maybe during the talk. By the time I was in my truck, I was certain it wouldn't happen, but the crazy flood of emotion that had been festering for days finally broke out. I had unintentionally been the kind of person I had not wanted to be, driven by fear and doubt to behave foolishly. The thought crossed my mind that I should have apologized a little more profusely. However, I was also more than happy that the fear of what was coming had finally blown over. Guilt and relief made for a strange mix, like when you try snocone flavors that don't really go together but there's something interesting about the combination that makes you finish the whole thing.
I just don't know what to make of it all.
I know I certainly played a big part in that, but at the same time I know that it wasn't just me. It has been a while since things were awkward, so it was bound to happen anyway.
What I can't get over is how much it messed with me. My appetite was shot, I could hardly sleep, and it felt like Mothra had invited all his giant winged friends over to my stomach for a weekend-long party. I hadn't really been able to sleep all week, so I can't say for sure that insomnia was related to friendship tensions.
Is that even ok? In some sense, I know that strained relationships are bound to take some kind of toll- especially close relationships that are important to me. But on the other hand, it seems somehow unbiblical to be so affected by a friend. Does it mean I'm not trusting Jesus?
Something else that has been bugging me is how utterly afraid I was. I was paralyzed by fear in the moment, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to ask for simple needs. Then after the fact, I wanted so badly to talk about it, yet the thought made me want to hurl. Where did that come from?!? For at least the first year and a half (maybe more) of this particular friendship, I felt like I was walking a fine line. I thought that at my next offense or mistake, that would be the end. I was shocked everytime I was forgiven for anything. Obviously, I was dealing with issues of trust, and I am unhappy to see the extent that I still am. It's like I haven't grown at all, and that is disheartening.
Why is it so hard for me to believe, and I mean really believe deep deep down in the recesses of my being, that I am loved? Why is it harder with some people than others? How come I feel unworthy of friendship? Why do I tell myself that new people are too cool to want to associate with me?
We've talked about it, and we're good now. It's just in that teetery phase of "now that the pink elephant has been addressed, what do we talk about now?" After we had talked, I cried on my way to class. Not a whole lot, but a couple tears down my cheeks. I was about to start crying during class, but fortunately I got my eyes to stop at welling up. It was the weirdest thing. I wanted to cry all weekend, but I couldn't. It felt good, but I was caught off-guard and very confused by it. It should have come before or maybe during the talk. By the time I was in my truck, I was certain it wouldn't happen, but the crazy flood of emotion that had been festering for days finally broke out. I had unintentionally been the kind of person I had not wanted to be, driven by fear and doubt to behave foolishly. The thought crossed my mind that I should have apologized a little more profusely. However, I was also more than happy that the fear of what was coming had finally blown over. Guilt and relief made for a strange mix, like when you try snocone flavors that don't really go together but there's something interesting about the combination that makes you finish the whole thing.
I just don't know what to make of it all.
2.27.2010
Complain
My back has been tight and achy the past couple days.
My eye started burning randomly tonight at Rosa's and won't quit.
My throat has been dry and sore since Thursday.
My nose is stuffy (but mostly in the mornings).
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings and have little motivation once i'm finally up. I don't understand my classes and feel totally behind in all of them. I haven't applied for any jobs, mostly because i haven't really looked. I haven't really looked because i am scared of the future and feel like i don't know anything.
Saturday nights stink. They are supposed to be fun and exciting, and when they aren't I get really disappointed. There's no way around it.
Anyway, I'm feeling grouchy, achy, sad, frustrated, lonely, a little mad, tired, overwhelmed, and disheartened. I know complaining is bad, but I figured complaining to the black hole that is the Interweb might be better than to a person. I just wanted to get it out.
My eye started burning randomly tonight at Rosa's and won't quit.
My throat has been dry and sore since Thursday.
My nose is stuffy (but mostly in the mornings).
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings and have little motivation once i'm finally up. I don't understand my classes and feel totally behind in all of them. I haven't applied for any jobs, mostly because i haven't really looked. I haven't really looked because i am scared of the future and feel like i don't know anything.
Saturday nights stink. They are supposed to be fun and exciting, and when they aren't I get really disappointed. There's no way around it.
Anyway, I'm feeling grouchy, achy, sad, frustrated, lonely, a little mad, tired, overwhelmed, and disheartened. I know complaining is bad, but I figured complaining to the black hole that is the Interweb might be better than to a person. I just wanted to get it out.
5.03.2009
Yay
Today was a good day.
Trip to Austin complete with kayaking, food, and friends.
Upon return, movie night with bubble tea and quesadillas.
It would be hard to beat.
:)
Trip to Austin complete with kayaking, food, and friends.
Upon return, movie night with bubble tea and quesadillas.
It would be hard to beat.
:)
4.13.2009
Knotted
I have this terrible aching/knotted feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel like I'm really nervous... or is it the other way around? It's been around for the last couple of days. I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.
Or all of them to varying degrees.
It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.
I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?
I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.
The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.
Or all of them to varying degrees.
It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.
I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?
I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.
The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.
3.29.2009
My Way to Play Favorites
Don't you just love it when there's something you think you want, but by the time you realize what it is that you actually want, you figure out that you've had it all along? I mean, in some sense, it is frustrating because you could/should have been appreciating it for much longer. But in a bigger sense, that part doesn't really matter because there's a wave of warmth and satisfaction that washes over you.
Ok, so that was really vague. What is the point of writing in a blog if you aren't more specific? I guess it could be considered dramatic or something to leave it there, but there's no need for that.
It is just that this week I learned an important lesson that I should have learned in... oh say, first grade. It always seemed reasonable to me that I should be the best. At everything. One by one, this gets shot down in each arena in my life. Go figure. This week, the lesson was in one of my personal favorite topics: being a friend. I want to be everybody's favorite. I want people to pick me when they want a favor, to talk, to be entertained, to go to dinner, to go on a roadtrip, etc. I felt like I was vying for that one special spot in each of my friends' hearts. In that spot, I like to imagine there's a spotlight on me in a pretty display case below the banner "My Favorite Person." When I think like this, everybody else is competition for that honor. They must be defeated. I must outdo them.
So this week I learned that if there's any competition involved in friendships, something is not right. There's even a name for that. It is codependency. Uh oh. I'm placing my value where it was never meant to be found. When how many phone calls, texts, or wall posts I get (or don't get) becomes a measure of my worth, something is seriously wrong. Whoa. Dangerous.
But you know what? I don't really want to be people's favorite. What? Why not? Because I'm going to screw it up. It is inevitable. I will. I know it. That is not me being down on myself; that's just the truth. I screw up. Instead, what I really want is for my friends to be chasing Jesus, not me. He loves them perfectly and will never mess up anything for all of eternity. In fact, he fixes broken things- like me. If Jesus is spotlighted in the hearts of my friends, they will be more and more like him. Then they will have the grace to forgive me when I do screw up. That sounds like a much better deal: honor Jesus -> love people. In my own heart even, this is what is required. Dang. Yeah, I am included in that. I don't need to be the focus of my life.
Here's the freeing thing: when we're all chasing Jesus, it doesn't matter who jumps in to help us move that direction. It doesn't matter how much of a role those people play. It doesn't matter if they are funnier than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, or better at socialization. I'm not the favorite, and I don't want to be. Even so, my friends still care about me regardless of the presence of other people in their lives. Just like I can love each of them, so also they can have more than one friend. No competition necessary. Whew, that sure is nice!
Ok, so that was really vague. What is the point of writing in a blog if you aren't more specific? I guess it could be considered dramatic or something to leave it there, but there's no need for that.
It is just that this week I learned an important lesson that I should have learned in... oh say, first grade. It always seemed reasonable to me that I should be the best. At everything. One by one, this gets shot down in each arena in my life. Go figure. This week, the lesson was in one of my personal favorite topics: being a friend. I want to be everybody's favorite. I want people to pick me when they want a favor, to talk, to be entertained, to go to dinner, to go on a roadtrip, etc. I felt like I was vying for that one special spot in each of my friends' hearts. In that spot, I like to imagine there's a spotlight on me in a pretty display case below the banner "My Favorite Person." When I think like this, everybody else is competition for that honor. They must be defeated. I must outdo them.
So this week I learned that if there's any competition involved in friendships, something is not right. There's even a name for that. It is codependency. Uh oh. I'm placing my value where it was never meant to be found. When how many phone calls, texts, or wall posts I get (or don't get) becomes a measure of my worth, something is seriously wrong. Whoa. Dangerous.
But you know what? I don't really want to be people's favorite. What? Why not? Because I'm going to screw it up. It is inevitable. I will. I know it. That is not me being down on myself; that's just the truth. I screw up. Instead, what I really want is for my friends to be chasing Jesus, not me. He loves them perfectly and will never mess up anything for all of eternity. In fact, he fixes broken things- like me. If Jesus is spotlighted in the hearts of my friends, they will be more and more like him. Then they will have the grace to forgive me when I do screw up. That sounds like a much better deal: honor Jesus -> love people. In my own heart even, this is what is required. Dang. Yeah, I am included in that. I don't need to be the focus of my life.
Here's the freeing thing: when we're all chasing Jesus, it doesn't matter who jumps in to help us move that direction. It doesn't matter how much of a role those people play. It doesn't matter if they are funnier than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, or better at socialization. I'm not the favorite, and I don't want to be. Even so, my friends still care about me regardless of the presence of other people in their lives. Just like I can love each of them, so also they can have more than one friend. No competition necessary. Whew, that sure is nice!
3.04.2009
Bad News First
I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
BAD: I hope Dad is ok. He's been in the hospital since yesterday because he was dehydrated from throwing up and stuff. Mom thinks he got something in Mexico. She is in Louisiana. Huh? Sometimes life is weird. I guess it makes more sense why she didn't return my call yesterday. I hope everything works out and the specialist finds everything to be normal.
GOOD: I got a 100 on my Global Economy test. I woke up this morning thinking I screwed up part of it, but I guess I was wrong about being wrong. I don't think I've gotten a 100 on something in a long time. It is especially nice because it is yet another indicator that buying textbooks is unnecessary (still haven't gotten them this semester). Also, I had an amazing parking spot yesterday for Breakaway. Seriously. Like the best parking spot I could have gotten. As I was driving up, I saw cars pretty far back in the lot and figured I would have a hard time parking. I breathed a little prayer. Then I almost drove by it. That spot. The one I've always wanted but never had. It was open. Thank you, Jesus.
Lord,
Thanks for your provisions, even in the little things like parking spots and good test grades. It feels good when things just seem to work out. On the other hand, sometimes things don't seem to work out- like when people we love get hospitalized or the girl that died this weekend in the parking garage. I pray that you would carry us through these things as you carry out your will. In Jesus' name, Amen.
BAD: I hope Dad is ok. He's been in the hospital since yesterday because he was dehydrated from throwing up and stuff. Mom thinks he got something in Mexico. She is in Louisiana. Huh? Sometimes life is weird. I guess it makes more sense why she didn't return my call yesterday. I hope everything works out and the specialist finds everything to be normal.
GOOD: I got a 100 on my Global Economy test. I woke up this morning thinking I screwed up part of it, but I guess I was wrong about being wrong. I don't think I've gotten a 100 on something in a long time. It is especially nice because it is yet another indicator that buying textbooks is unnecessary (still haven't gotten them this semester). Also, I had an amazing parking spot yesterday for Breakaway. Seriously. Like the best parking spot I could have gotten. As I was driving up, I saw cars pretty far back in the lot and figured I would have a hard time parking. I breathed a little prayer. Then I almost drove by it. That spot. The one I've always wanted but never had. It was open. Thank you, Jesus.
Lord,
Thanks for your provisions, even in the little things like parking spots and good test grades. It feels good when things just seem to work out. On the other hand, sometimes things don't seem to work out- like when people we love get hospitalized or the girl that died this weekend in the parking garage. I pray that you would carry us through these things as you carry out your will. In Jesus' name, Amen.
2.18.2009
Zones
Maybe I'm weird for doing this. Anybody I've ever talked to about this has given me a funny look and told me that I think too much. Yes, yes, I am aware of that. However, I think it is a God-given gift/curse, and I will continue to be that way. Get over it.
I put my friends into categories. I don't realize it while it is happening. Keep in mind this is all subconscious. “Categories” is really a bad way to describe it. It is really more like a continuum with different zones, which include but are not limited to the following:
Acquaintances
These are people that I recognize and know. I would say hi to them if I saw them around and maybe even have a brief conversation. Maybe I have their phone number. Maybe I've even called them before. Twice. I've got tons of people like this in my life.
Friends
These are people I like and enjoy. The distinguishing factor here is that we hang out. Maybe not regularly, but it would not be weird to call them up to make plans. I know what they are involved in, things they enjoy, where they live, what they drive. If they ask me for a favor, I'll do what I can to help. There are a lot of people like this in my life.
Good Friends
Ah, we're getting to the good part. Good friends are people that I would trust with my heart. This is where things get personal and attachment happens. These are people I take my junk to and people whose junk I'd love to help carry. I'd answer a phone call from them at 3 something am. I would do crazy things that make me uncomfortable, tired, hungry, or poor for them and not mind in the slightest. I pray for them regularly. There's only a few people like this. I can think of 4 or 5 with a couple more stuck somewhere between friends and good friends.
Best Friends
I don't really know what this looks like, but I think I'm beginning to get an idea. I have this feeling like there's a level (or zone, to reuse the same word) beyond good friends but before the mystery zones which I know nothing about. Best friends know each other so well they can predict the other's behavior fairly accurately a good chunk of the time. Sometimes they can even tell you why. Their emotions affect one another. They work to fill wants and needs, achieve hopes, and avoid fears [but face them when they come]. I think that this zone takes a lot of effort to maintain. Like I said, I don't really know. This is still pretty foggy.
All my friends fall somewhere in here and are subject to movement. Sometimes people are between two zones and it is hard to tell. Usually that is because I either haven't decided to trust them enough to graduate them to the next zone or because there hasn't been enough testing on the relationship to warrant a promotion. When this arrangement is most evident to me in my own mind is when somebody asks me how I'm doing. My head quickly evaluates what I'm willing to say based on what kind of friend they are.
Call me crazy, but this is just what I seem to do.
So lately...
It seems like I've been considering one of my friendships a lot the past couple days. Sadly, it hasn't been as good as I would have hoped. For a long time, I had hoped this person was a "safe person" as described in a previous post. Safe people make for great good friends.
I gave her opportunities. For example, one night last semester I told her I needed to work through some things so I was going for a drive. I asked if she wanted to come. She knows I don't normally make such an offer because she knows I tend to be an emotion stuffer. She said no, she needed to study (aside: I do not, in general, take well to studying coming before people. I don't let school come before my friends and like to think that they would do the same for me... but apparently not). Then she said, "But it would be good for you to talk about it with somebody... Well, I guess that's why you asked, huh? But I need to study. See you later though, OK?" Obviously, she was aware of what I was asking. There are some other similar examples. Toward the end of last semester I started figuring out that our friendship was pretty one-sided. Anything we did together was something I initiated. She was (and still is) too wrapped up in chasing a different friendship to put much effort into ours. Given my fear of one-sided relationships, I stopped pursuing it. Then, we stopped hanging out, which further supports my suspicions that it was one-sided.
It's just kind of a bummer, you know? I had hoped for a good friend, but it has become clear to me that she is happy as a clam in the friend zone. I mean, that's fine. That's a choice she is free to make. The problem is how I've been responding to that. I'm resentful even to the point of rudeness. That's not ok, even if I am a little hurt.
So, pray for me, will you? Thanks.
I put my friends into categories. I don't realize it while it is happening. Keep in mind this is all subconscious. “Categories” is really a bad way to describe it. It is really more like a continuum with different zones, which include but are not limited to the following:
Acquaintances
These are people that I recognize and know. I would say hi to them if I saw them around and maybe even have a brief conversation. Maybe I have their phone number. Maybe I've even called them before. Twice. I've got tons of people like this in my life.
Friends
These are people I like and enjoy. The distinguishing factor here is that we hang out. Maybe not regularly, but it would not be weird to call them up to make plans. I know what they are involved in, things they enjoy, where they live, what they drive. If they ask me for a favor, I'll do what I can to help. There are a lot of people like this in my life.
Good Friends
Ah, we're getting to the good part. Good friends are people that I would trust with my heart. This is where things get personal and attachment happens. These are people I take my junk to and people whose junk I'd love to help carry. I'd answer a phone call from them at 3 something am. I would do crazy things that make me uncomfortable, tired, hungry, or poor for them and not mind in the slightest. I pray for them regularly. There's only a few people like this. I can think of 4 or 5 with a couple more stuck somewhere between friends and good friends.
Best Friends
I don't really know what this looks like, but I think I'm beginning to get an idea. I have this feeling like there's a level (or zone, to reuse the same word) beyond good friends but before the mystery zones which I know nothing about. Best friends know each other so well they can predict the other's behavior fairly accurately a good chunk of the time. Sometimes they can even tell you why. Their emotions affect one another. They work to fill wants and needs, achieve hopes, and avoid fears [but face them when they come]. I think that this zone takes a lot of effort to maintain. Like I said, I don't really know. This is still pretty foggy.
All my friends fall somewhere in here and are subject to movement. Sometimes people are between two zones and it is hard to tell. Usually that is because I either haven't decided to trust them enough to graduate them to the next zone or because there hasn't been enough testing on the relationship to warrant a promotion. When this arrangement is most evident to me in my own mind is when somebody asks me how I'm doing. My head quickly evaluates what I'm willing to say based on what kind of friend they are.
Call me crazy, but this is just what I seem to do.
So lately...
It seems like I've been considering one of my friendships a lot the past couple days. Sadly, it hasn't been as good as I would have hoped. For a long time, I had hoped this person was a "safe person" as described in a previous post. Safe people make for great good friends.
I gave her opportunities. For example, one night last semester I told her I needed to work through some things so I was going for a drive. I asked if she wanted to come. She knows I don't normally make such an offer because she knows I tend to be an emotion stuffer. She said no, she needed to study (aside: I do not, in general, take well to studying coming before people. I don't let school come before my friends and like to think that they would do the same for me... but apparently not). Then she said, "But it would be good for you to talk about it with somebody... Well, I guess that's why you asked, huh? But I need to study. See you later though, OK?" Obviously, she was aware of what I was asking. There are some other similar examples. Toward the end of last semester I started figuring out that our friendship was pretty one-sided. Anything we did together was something I initiated. She was (and still is) too wrapped up in chasing a different friendship to put much effort into ours. Given my fear of one-sided relationships, I stopped pursuing it. Then, we stopped hanging out, which further supports my suspicions that it was one-sided.
It's just kind of a bummer, you know? I had hoped for a good friend, but it has become clear to me that she is happy as a clam in the friend zone. I mean, that's fine. That's a choice she is free to make. The problem is how I've been responding to that. I'm resentful even to the point of rudeness. That's not ok, even if I am a little hurt.
So, pray for me, will you? Thanks.
1.19.2009
Eating Strategically
...and I'm not talking about a diet.
SITUATION: Say there are two kinds of pizza on the table (Pizza A and Pizza B). You like both A and B, but you prefer Pizza A. However, you are the only person around that likes Pizza A. What do you do?
For most of my life, it seemed perfectly reasonable to start off eating Pizza A. If I like it better, why not? I get what I want; other people get what they want. Everybody wins.
True enough, but I could be winning more.
I learned this lesson from my brother, although he always denies that he does this. I know better than to believe his denials because I have watched him do it time and time again.
In the aforementioned situation, if I start off eating Pizza B, then there will be leftovers of Pizza A that I will have to myself (since nobody else likes it). Thus, I win now by getting pizza that I like, and I win later by getting leftover pizza that I like even more. Granted, that means there's not as much Pizza B to go around, so some people might give in and eat some A because they're still hungry. The point is that I get the best of both worlds. Now, I'm sure how you can easily see how this applies to pies, cakes, casseroles, etc. Also, it works if there are only 2 or 3 people that like A and 10 that like B.
Therefore, in a world where selfishness is the driving force, one would pass up what he most desires and go for what is most popular to be better off in the long run. Seems a little counter-intuitive at first, but it makes sense when you think about it, right? Yeah, my brother is a sneaky fellow. He plans ahead.
SITUATION: Say there are two kinds of pizza on the table (Pizza A and Pizza B). You like both A and B, but you prefer Pizza A. However, you are the only person around that likes Pizza A. What do you do?
For most of my life, it seemed perfectly reasonable to start off eating Pizza A. If I like it better, why not? I get what I want; other people get what they want. Everybody wins.
True enough, but I could be winning more.
I learned this lesson from my brother, although he always denies that he does this. I know better than to believe his denials because I have watched him do it time and time again.
In the aforementioned situation, if I start off eating Pizza B, then there will be leftovers of Pizza A that I will have to myself (since nobody else likes it). Thus, I win now by getting pizza that I like, and I win later by getting leftover pizza that I like even more. Granted, that means there's not as much Pizza B to go around, so some people might give in and eat some A because they're still hungry. The point is that I get the best of both worlds. Now, I'm sure how you can easily see how this applies to pies, cakes, casseroles, etc. Also, it works if there are only 2 or 3 people that like A and 10 that like B.
Therefore, in a world where selfishness is the driving force, one would pass up what he most desires and go for what is most popular to be better off in the long run. Seems a little counter-intuitive at first, but it makes sense when you think about it, right? Yeah, my brother is a sneaky fellow. He plans ahead.
1.14.2009
Fears
My sister and her husband moved to France yesterday. Maybe I should say "left for France yesterday" instead because I don't think they are there yet even now. I've been praying for them and their flock of luggage to all make it there safely without a hitch. But on the other hand, I've also been praying for their car to sell, and my brother to get a job, and those things haven't quite worked out yet. o.O
Lately I've been noticing how scared I am about this semester. It isn't about grad school being hard, and it isn't even about paying the money I don't have (although that is scaring me- but it is not what's eating my lunch). I'm scared for my relationships.
You see, I keep getting this strong urge to quit Navigators that I couldn't explain until last night. That's when I really started thinking about why I have been so anxious. I have never been around a group of people this long since I was at Bell Manor, and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to be. Then again, this is why I chose to stick around at A&M in the first place- to deal with relationships lasting longer than 2 years. I just didn't think I would be so nervous about it as it looms closer and closer. With a few exceptions, I feel like I don't want to keep up the friendships I have built and would much rather be fleeing the country. I know my sister is scared too, but I've got to admit that I'm pretty jealous.
Lately I've been noticing how scared I am about this semester. It isn't about grad school being hard, and it isn't even about paying the money I don't have (although that is scaring me- but it is not what's eating my lunch). I'm scared for my relationships.
You see, I keep getting this strong urge to quit Navigators that I couldn't explain until last night. That's when I really started thinking about why I have been so anxious. I have never been around a group of people this long since I was at Bell Manor, and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to be. Then again, this is why I chose to stick around at A&M in the first place- to deal with relationships lasting longer than 2 years. I just didn't think I would be so nervous about it as it looms closer and closer. With a few exceptions, I feel like I don't want to keep up the friendships I have built and would much rather be fleeing the country. I know my sister is scared too, but I've got to admit that I'm pretty jealous.
12.18.2008
Colorado and Cookies
Colorado was just as wonderful as one might suspect. The Navs have a beautiful castle up there that I've wanted to see for a couple years now, and I finally got the chance. I got to see some dear friends from the past, make some new friends, as well as get to hang out with current ones- all while getting sound Biblical teaching and praising God for the stunning Rocky Mountains.
The van ride was quite the experience. I love road trips to begin with, and it was fun just observing our group. I feel like everybody fit into an archetype. We had the Child, the Jester, the Cavalier, the Theorist, the Plotter, the Optimist, and the Flirt. In the van, we played Bull & Klingon, sang Christmas carols to people over the phone, read, took naps, discussed video ideas for next semester and just got to hang out with some cool kids.
Sadly, it was bitterly cold in Colorado as thermometers were warming up if they registered anywhere above 0. Oy! Mostly I say that to sound tough. I hardly ever went outside during my stay there. As much as I may complain, keep in mind that I very much enjoyed it.
On the other hand, it is great to be back in Texas. Mom and I made an army of snickerdoodle cookies in preparation for Suzanne and Jake's arrival (but mostly for Jake's because he's the one that eats them by the dozen). Notice the missing ones off the tray. I had nothing to do with that. ;)
The van ride was quite the experience. I love road trips to begin with, and it was fun just observing our group. I feel like everybody fit into an archetype. We had the Child, the Jester, the Cavalier, the Theorist, the Plotter, the Optimist, and the Flirt. In the van, we played Bull & Klingon, sang Christmas carols to people over the phone, read, took naps, discussed video ideas for next semester and just got to hang out with some cool kids.
Sadly, it was bitterly cold in Colorado as thermometers were warming up if they registered anywhere above 0. Oy! Mostly I say that to sound tough. I hardly ever went outside during my stay there. As much as I may complain, keep in mind that I very much enjoyed it.
On the other hand, it is great to be back in Texas. Mom and I made an army of snickerdoodle cookies in preparation for Suzanne and Jake's arrival (but mostly for Jake's because he's the one that eats them by the dozen). Notice the missing ones off the tray. I had nothing to do with that. ;)
12.12.2008
Graduation
In less than 12 hours, a ceremony will begin that marks the end of one of my stages in life.
Not exactly because I will still be in school, but the point is that I feel like I don't deserve it. What kind of 20 year old has a diploma anyway?
I'm too young. I don't know anything. Theoretically, I could be entering the working world, but who would hire me? I don't have any real plans (much to the dismay of my mother), no way to make money or support myself, no experience... I'm just feeling so ill-equipped to be where I am.
Someone recently told me, "you don't want to be the person you're becoming." That was a blow. Definitely had a tearful drive after that one. As if personal identity isn't a big deal or something. Thankfully, my go-to gal is a gift from the Lord and immediately refuted all the terrible things that were said (and also responds to texts at 2:14 am as I am reflecting upon my life and thinking about graduation). But still, those things were said even if they aren't true. And what if maybe they are a little true?
I don't know. Who needs sleep on a night like this anyway? The moon is gorgeous tonight.
Not exactly because I will still be in school, but the point is that I feel like I don't deserve it. What kind of 20 year old has a diploma anyway?
I'm too young. I don't know anything. Theoretically, I could be entering the working world, but who would hire me? I don't have any real plans (much to the dismay of my mother), no way to make money or support myself, no experience... I'm just feeling so ill-equipped to be where I am.
Someone recently told me, "you don't want to be the person you're becoming." That was a blow. Definitely had a tearful drive after that one. As if personal identity isn't a big deal or something. Thankfully, my go-to gal is a gift from the Lord and immediately refuted all the terrible things that were said (and also responds to texts at 2:14 am as I am reflecting upon my life and thinking about graduation). But still, those things were said even if they aren't true. And what if maybe they are a little true?
I don't know. Who needs sleep on a night like this anyway? The moon is gorgeous tonight.
10.12.2008
Emotions
I don't really know how to deal with emotions, whether my own or other people's. Unfortunately, that was called upon twice today when two of my friends were upset about things. All I can think to do is react how I would want me to act if I was the one crying. Thus, I keep hugging them over and over and hope they magically feel better.
I, at least, always magically feel better from a good hug.
I, at least, always magically feel better from a good hug.
9.28.2008
When I Go Driving
It would be great if gas wasn't so expensive. From an economic standpoint, I think its great that gas prices are rising because that means that eventually people won't buy it and finally better ways of getting around will crop up. However, as a consumer, it really is a pain in the neck.
Especially because driving is how I deal with life.
When I get frustrated, when I get angry, when I'm feeling down, when I get apathetic or depressed I go driving. Preferably fast. I like the access ramps where I can accelerate. In any case, there's just something about the privacy of being alone in my car mixed with the cathartic effect of velocity that makes me able to deal with things better in there.
This weekend I got frustrated, so I went driving tonight. I know it has a lot to do with my apathy that has been taking over lately. There's so many fake people saying and doing fake things around me that it makes me sick. The worst part is: I'm one of them. My relationship with God has been floundering for the past week or so. When it is that time of day that I usually read my Bible and spend time with Jesus, I've been making up excuses not to. Then I either make myself do it anyway or convince myself that if my heart isn't there that it isn't worth it. Recently I've been getting a bit worried about the future and not being able to leave it in God's hands. Which means that as I get further away from God, my friendships start affecting my mood a lot more (not good, I know). On the back burner of my mind, I already knew I had some stuff to deal with, and then on Friday a series of events made things worse.
In short, my friend and I had some plans. Through no fault of my own (or her own, or anybody's own really), it did not work out, and the point is that I ended up feeling like I let her down. Maybe that wouldn't be a big deal for a lot of people, but it is for me.
It all goes back to feeling as if I'm unworthy of being loved. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life that have ever made me feel honest-to-goodness genuinely loved. Obviously, that's not a good situation and has led to a lot of pain in my life as well as other issues (e.g. I have the hardest time trusting people). It is because of that pain that I have promised myself that the people around me that I'm close to won't have to feel that way. They won't have to be like me and wonder if there's even anybody that cares. I feel like if I can love people well enough that they feel safe (see previous post), then my own hurts won't matter anymore. Thus, I work to make sure my friends know that I love them, appreciate them, and would do anything for them [proviso: it is not illegal or sinful]. Falling short of this goal, like letting somebody down, makes me mad at myself. Then I feel like I have to work extra hard to regain lost approval from my mistakes.
Seriously though, what kind of friends would I have if that is how things worked between us? Mediocre ones. My friends are not mediocre. First off, my friend that I "let down" probably hasn't given a second thought to Friday night and more than likely has no clue that it sparked this inner turmoil in me. Secondly, even if she did feel shafted, she would know that it wasn't anybody's fault. Thirdly, she's wonderful and doesn't operate on friend karma, so it would be stupid to try to redeem myself.
In any case, the drive was good.
Especially because driving is how I deal with life.
When I get frustrated, when I get angry, when I'm feeling down, when I get apathetic or depressed I go driving. Preferably fast. I like the access ramps where I can accelerate. In any case, there's just something about the privacy of being alone in my car mixed with the cathartic effect of velocity that makes me able to deal with things better in there.
This weekend I got frustrated, so I went driving tonight. I know it has a lot to do with my apathy that has been taking over lately. There's so many fake people saying and doing fake things around me that it makes me sick. The worst part is: I'm one of them. My relationship with God has been floundering for the past week or so. When it is that time of day that I usually read my Bible and spend time with Jesus, I've been making up excuses not to. Then I either make myself do it anyway or convince myself that if my heart isn't there that it isn't worth it. Recently I've been getting a bit worried about the future and not being able to leave it in God's hands. Which means that as I get further away from God, my friendships start affecting my mood a lot more (not good, I know). On the back burner of my mind, I already knew I had some stuff to deal with, and then on Friday a series of events made things worse.
In short, my friend and I had some plans. Through no fault of my own (or her own, or anybody's own really), it did not work out, and the point is that I ended up feeling like I let her down. Maybe that wouldn't be a big deal for a lot of people, but it is for me.
It all goes back to feeling as if I'm unworthy of being loved. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life that have ever made me feel honest-to-goodness genuinely loved. Obviously, that's not a good situation and has led to a lot of pain in my life as well as other issues (e.g. I have the hardest time trusting people). It is because of that pain that I have promised myself that the people around me that I'm close to won't have to feel that way. They won't have to be like me and wonder if there's even anybody that cares. I feel like if I can love people well enough that they feel safe (see previous post), then my own hurts won't matter anymore. Thus, I work to make sure my friends know that I love them, appreciate them, and would do anything for them [proviso: it is not illegal or sinful]. Falling short of this goal, like letting somebody down, makes me mad at myself. Then I feel like I have to work extra hard to regain lost approval from my mistakes.
Seriously though, what kind of friends would I have if that is how things worked between us? Mediocre ones. My friends are not mediocre. First off, my friend that I "let down" probably hasn't given a second thought to Friday night and more than likely has no clue that it sparked this inner turmoil in me. Secondly, even if she did feel shafted, she would know that it wasn't anybody's fault. Thirdly, she's wonderful and doesn't operate on friend karma, so it would be stupid to try to redeem myself.
In any case, the drive was good.
8.30.2008
Safe
Last night as I was going to bed, I was thinking of what the concept of safety means to me. We are going with emotional safety, in particular, just to clarify. Maybe it is a little different than most people's idea, but whatever.
There are few people in my life that I consider "safe" people.
Allow me to explain. A "safe" person is somebody that I feel like it is alright to be real with. I can be angry and frustrated, at them or the world at large, and that they are going to be ok with that. I can be stupid and make lame jokes, and that's ok too. I can be silent, and nobody's missing the noise. Honestly, I think all anybody's really looking for is safe people because when you've got safe people, you can be fully known and feel good about it. I just put a name to it.
One of the hard things about finding safe people is wanting to be safe so badly that I convince myself that unsafe people are safe. By unsafe people, I'm not talking about creepers or perverts. I mean close friends that I think should be safe. Whenever I make myself vulnerable to them, bad things happen. It is damaging to our friendship for me to express emotions. Something is wrong with that, yet I still value the friendship too much to do anything about it.
So I just keep looking.
It is weird how sometimes you can meet someone and be safe immediately, and sometimes even after years of being friends there's some unsafe blockage.
Once you find a safe person or two, appreciate them. They are hard to come by. I'm 20 years old, and I've only got a few. I choose to be grateful for those few. It is much better than none.
There are few people in my life that I consider "safe" people.
Allow me to explain. A "safe" person is somebody that I feel like it is alright to be real with. I can be angry and frustrated, at them or the world at large, and that they are going to be ok with that. I can be stupid and make lame jokes, and that's ok too. I can be silent, and nobody's missing the noise. Honestly, I think all anybody's really looking for is safe people because when you've got safe people, you can be fully known and feel good about it. I just put a name to it.
One of the hard things about finding safe people is wanting to be safe so badly that I convince myself that unsafe people are safe. By unsafe people, I'm not talking about creepers or perverts. I mean close friends that I think should be safe. Whenever I make myself vulnerable to them, bad things happen. It is damaging to our friendship for me to express emotions. Something is wrong with that, yet I still value the friendship too much to do anything about it.
So I just keep looking.
It is weird how sometimes you can meet someone and be safe immediately, and sometimes even after years of being friends there's some unsafe blockage.
Once you find a safe person or two, appreciate them. They are hard to come by. I'm 20 years old, and I've only got a few. I choose to be grateful for those few. It is much better than none.
6.25.2008
Opportunities
Okay, so it has been a while... but it's not like anybody reads this anyway, so I don't think I'll be hearing any complaints. Something profound just happened so I figured I'd mention it.
At the bus stop today, I met a man from Chad. We talked about French, travel, economics... you know how it goes. Meet a stranger, tell your life story. In any case, here's a bit of our conversation:
JUSTICE: So have you ever been anywhere like Chad?
ALLISON: Sadly, no. I would really like to, but I've never been out of the United States.
JUSTICE: Why not?
ALLISON: I guess I've never really had the opportunity.
JUSTICE: You have to make your own opportunity, no?
Ain't it the truth? Whenever there's something you would really like to do, you have to make it happen. You can't wait for the chance to come around. Go! Move! Grab life by the horns (and saw 'em off)!
[Wow, I just made a Dodge and anti-t.u. statement at the same time.]
I thought it was an interesting statement. I hope I get to see him again.
At the bus stop today, I met a man from Chad. We talked about French, travel, economics... you know how it goes. Meet a stranger, tell your life story. In any case, here's a bit of our conversation:
JUSTICE: So have you ever been anywhere like Chad?
ALLISON: Sadly, no. I would really like to, but I've never been out of the United States.
JUSTICE: Why not?
ALLISON: I guess I've never really had the opportunity.
JUSTICE: You have to make your own opportunity, no?
Ain't it the truth? Whenever there's something you would really like to do, you have to make it happen. You can't wait for the chance to come around. Go! Move! Grab life by the horns (and saw 'em off)!
[Wow, I just made a Dodge and anti-t.u. statement at the same time.]
I thought it was an interesting statement. I hope I get to see him again.
12.13.2007
Poor Boris
My car got broken into yesterday.
This is particularly sad because a couple months ago somebody thought it would be a good idea to throw a bunch of beer bottles at my car and shatter the back windshield.
They stole my cousin's purse. She was real upset about it, which is understandable. My mom called the insurance company, and they sent somebody out to our house to fix the window that got smashed. Boris is all fixed up.
I got to see Jill today and meet her friend Caitlin. Let me just say that it was amazing to get to see her again. She brightens up any day. I miss her!
On another note, I hope my roommates remember to turn off the heater before they leave. Wishful thinking, I know. One can always dream.
This is particularly sad because a couple months ago somebody thought it would be a good idea to throw a bunch of beer bottles at my car and shatter the back windshield.
They stole my cousin's purse. She was real upset about it, which is understandable. My mom called the insurance company, and they sent somebody out to our house to fix the window that got smashed. Boris is all fixed up.
I got to see Jill today and meet her friend Caitlin. Let me just say that it was amazing to get to see her again. She brightens up any day. I miss her!On another note, I hope my roommates remember to turn off the heater before they leave. Wishful thinking, I know. One can always dream.
12.01.2007
Christmas Brews...
This morning I went to a Breakaway greeters breakfast at Hullabaloo Diner in Wellborn off of Wellborn. It was very tasty, and if and when my dream of having an A & M Navigators Amazing Race ever comes true, I would like Hullabaloo to be a part of it.Speaking of dreams, I had one that I went deer hunting. Everybody was trying to get this one buck and ignoring all the does that were running around EVERYwhere. My grandpa was trying to teach me how to hunt. It was so weird.
Anyways, the Breakaway greeters had a White Elephant gift exchange. I regifted part of what I got last year at the navs Christmas party: 2 Houston Rockets figurines. It was a hit, a couple of guys kept stealing them. One guy gifted a palm pilot, which was probably the most stolen item. I ended up with a travel mug and some hot chocolate. Not a bad haul if I do say so myself.
After that, I went to Hastings to return the Chinese movies I watched last night. Both of them were awful, by the way. I sat around there for a while looking at cook books and came across a real easy recipe for roast. Struck by the thought, "Hey, this is cheap and easy. Whoa! I could make this!" I scooted on over nextdoor to HEB and got a roast to try it out. It is in the oven right now. Some other good finds at HEB today include (but aren't limited to): Gingerbread creamer (great in hot chocolate!), navel oranges for $.50 ea., red globe grapes, and an Eagle brand premium dessert kit for cookies 'n' cream fudge (which is mixed up and in the fridge right now). Again, not a bad haul.Here is where things get interesting.
As I was walking out of HEB, a man and two women were standing by the living Christmas tree display with two full carts of groceries. The man offered $10 if I would give them a ride home. My first instinct was to ignore him completely and just keep walking to my car. But something made me stop for an instant.
Right then I had visions in my head of being directed to some remote location out of town where these strangers would cut off my head and eat my remains. Nobody would even realize I was gone until Tuesday or so, and these people could make it to Peru or something in my car by then.
On the other hand, I thought, what if these people have a genuine need? What's more, what does it speak of love in my life if I were to refuse them this small favor? It would take me maybe ten minutes to help these people out.
It was then that I decided that even if these shoppers laden with toys and milk were to in fact be bloodthirsty murderers, I would rather be the dolt that was willing to help them than the person that's too caught up in my own life to even listen to what they needed.
When is it safe to show love to people anyway? You are always having to put yourself out there, be vulnerable and exposed, to love others. This was more in a physical sense than emotionally, but really it boils down to the same thing.
All of this happened in that split second where I stopped pushing my cart. As I waffled for a few seconds, I asked him where they lived. He said it wasn't far, and I agreed to help and refused payment. They followed me to my car and loaded up their groceries. The man apologized for the inconvenience and expressed both embarrassment and gratitude. When I started up the engine and heard Bing Crosby coming through my speakers I said, "I hope you guys like Christmas music."
"Oh, we do," the man said. Then he directed me through a series of winding streets and turns before we arrived at their humble home. As they took the groceries in, the man poked his head back outside and told me, "Since you like Christmas so much, come in and see this!" Again, thoughts of my impending doom flashed before my eyes, but I walked up to the door anyway. They had set up a meager Christmas tree and decorated it quite nicely. It fit well with the house.
"It's lovely."
How often, I wonder, do I pass up people that need something I can easily give them?
11.26.2007
Continued Trails
This evening the squatters are gone. That's good. However, it has come to my attention that my roommates also have an ant problem. HEB will be excited to learn that I am in the market for some good Raid. It will have to wait until Saturday though because my November budget is shot.
Trails
This morning I discovered slews of ants feasting upon my garbage. In general, I wouldn't mind too much, that is, if I lived outside. As it is, my trash resides in my bathroom, and I can't just let the creepy crawlies move-in.
This afternoon there are slews of ant carcasses in my hand vac, and probably some still stuck to my shoe. There are still some squatters by the toilet, but I'll give them until this evening to head out.
This afternoon there are slews of ant carcasses in my hand vac, and probably some still stuck to my shoe. There are still some squatters by the toilet, but I'll give them until this evening to head out.
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