As I am quickly approaching the end of my time in college (round 2), I can't help but want more. More friends. More freedom. More Nav functions. More late nights. More crap food. More time with my roommates in my house that needs more maintenance.
I guess there's a lot to look forward to. I just don't know what it all is yet, so it makes it hard to picture. There will hopefully be a salary in there with a good dose of independence as well. I'm still going to be living with my parents though, so maybe not so much. Btw, that is pretty embarrassing to tell people. "Yeah! I'm about to get a master's degree. What am I doing with that? Moving back in with my parents." Whatever. Don't judge me people. I moved out when I had barely turned 16. Give me a break.
For the summer, I will be doing a study of Proverbs. I already started. Originally, that was my plan for the semester, but circumstances dictated otherwise. In any case, I'm so glad to be back. At least now 121 Community Church's series on Proverbs is mostly done, so I can learn from Ross' material as well. I'm excited about this opportunity to soak up the wisdom of the Proverbs. It is important to remember that they aren't necessarily promises of how life will work out for you, but they present a system of wise choices and a way to navigate the world that God has made.
A verse that has stood out to me lately is Proverbs 3:27
"When it is in your power, don't withhold good from the one to whom it is due." (HCSB)
What strikes me is that it doesn't say anything about how this person earned the good that should be coming to them. It is silent on whether it is even I who owe it to them. There are no specifics about what particular realm it applies to.
Money? Food? Stuff? When somebody is doing something worthwhile, they may require some financial assistance from the body of Christ. This is easily seen by those in ministry positions that have to fundraise. Am I on board with that? And how do I pick what to give to? If I gave to every worthwhile effort, I couldn't make enough money to fill the needs. I think it is important to keep this principle in mind as we interact with people every day. Are people making needs known that we do nothing to address?
Favor? Respect? Praise and affirmation? Give positive reviews of things that are good! If you like it, say so. When people show kindness, appreciate that- whether the kindness was directed to you or not. Thank people for the things they do for you. Little things too!
Attention? People are deserving of your time. They are made in the image of God. They have ideas and thoughts and emotions. If they want your input, give it to them. I mean, be wise. I'm not saying you should hang out with everyone that comes along. Operate within appropriate boundaries on your own ideas, thoughts and emotions. What I am saying is that you can't write people off and ignore them. I remember having this difficult battle in my head once about whether or not I should avoid people I don't particularly like. I don't know that I ever came to a good conclusion on that one... Anyway, now I am wondering what would make somebody undeserving of my time? Stubbornness, arrogance, unrepentant foolishness, deception. Indicators that somebody won't listen to what anybody has to say to them or else have some other agenda. Anyway, moving on.
Prayers? Let's face it. Everybody and everything is always in need of more prayer. We could all stand to spend more time talking with the Lord. Again, if I prayed for every worthy cause, then I would never be doing anything else! Maybe that's the point. We are not to be discouraged by the volume of what needs to happen in the world, but it should spur us on. I know a ton of people I could be be praying for a lot more than I am. There's oodles of situations in my own life that I do not pray enough about! Don't withhold the good.
What about guidance, correction or rebuke? Those things are ultimately good (when done the right way), but they don't always taste very pleasant on the way down. They are kind of like verbal vegetables. Could it be talking about that as well? Maybe. Just a thought.
So that's something I have been considering lately.
5.09.2010
3.29.2010
Is that even ok?
This past weekend was awkward.
I know I certainly played a big part in that, but at the same time I know that it wasn't just me. It has been a while since things were awkward, so it was bound to happen anyway.
What I can't get over is how much it messed with me. My appetite was shot, I could hardly sleep, and it felt like Mothra had invited all his giant winged friends over to my stomach for a weekend-long party. I hadn't really been able to sleep all week, so I can't say for sure that insomnia was related to friendship tensions.
Is that even ok? In some sense, I know that strained relationships are bound to take some kind of toll- especially close relationships that are important to me. But on the other hand, it seems somehow unbiblical to be so affected by a friend. Does it mean I'm not trusting Jesus?
Something else that has been bugging me is how utterly afraid I was. I was paralyzed by fear in the moment, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to ask for simple needs. Then after the fact, I wanted so badly to talk about it, yet the thought made me want to hurl. Where did that come from?!? For at least the first year and a half (maybe more) of this particular friendship, I felt like I was walking a fine line. I thought that at my next offense or mistake, that would be the end. I was shocked everytime I was forgiven for anything. Obviously, I was dealing with issues of trust, and I am unhappy to see the extent that I still am. It's like I haven't grown at all, and that is disheartening.
Why is it so hard for me to believe, and I mean really believe deep deep down in the recesses of my being, that I am loved? Why is it harder with some people than others? How come I feel unworthy of friendship? Why do I tell myself that new people are too cool to want to associate with me?
We've talked about it, and we're good now. It's just in that teetery phase of "now that the pink elephant has been addressed, what do we talk about now?" After we had talked, I cried on my way to class. Not a whole lot, but a couple tears down my cheeks. I was about to start crying during class, but fortunately I got my eyes to stop at welling up. It was the weirdest thing. I wanted to cry all weekend, but I couldn't. It felt good, but I was caught off-guard and very confused by it. It should have come before or maybe during the talk. By the time I was in my truck, I was certain it wouldn't happen, but the crazy flood of emotion that had been festering for days finally broke out. I had unintentionally been the kind of person I had not wanted to be, driven by fear and doubt to behave foolishly. The thought crossed my mind that I should have apologized a little more profusely. However, I was also more than happy that the fear of what was coming had finally blown over. Guilt and relief made for a strange mix, like when you try snocone flavors that don't really go together but there's something interesting about the combination that makes you finish the whole thing.
I just don't know what to make of it all.
I know I certainly played a big part in that, but at the same time I know that it wasn't just me. It has been a while since things were awkward, so it was bound to happen anyway.
What I can't get over is how much it messed with me. My appetite was shot, I could hardly sleep, and it felt like Mothra had invited all his giant winged friends over to my stomach for a weekend-long party. I hadn't really been able to sleep all week, so I can't say for sure that insomnia was related to friendship tensions.
Is that even ok? In some sense, I know that strained relationships are bound to take some kind of toll- especially close relationships that are important to me. But on the other hand, it seems somehow unbiblical to be so affected by a friend. Does it mean I'm not trusting Jesus?
Something else that has been bugging me is how utterly afraid I was. I was paralyzed by fear in the moment, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to ask for simple needs. Then after the fact, I wanted so badly to talk about it, yet the thought made me want to hurl. Where did that come from?!? For at least the first year and a half (maybe more) of this particular friendship, I felt like I was walking a fine line. I thought that at my next offense or mistake, that would be the end. I was shocked everytime I was forgiven for anything. Obviously, I was dealing with issues of trust, and I am unhappy to see the extent that I still am. It's like I haven't grown at all, and that is disheartening.
Why is it so hard for me to believe, and I mean really believe deep deep down in the recesses of my being, that I am loved? Why is it harder with some people than others? How come I feel unworthy of friendship? Why do I tell myself that new people are too cool to want to associate with me?
We've talked about it, and we're good now. It's just in that teetery phase of "now that the pink elephant has been addressed, what do we talk about now?" After we had talked, I cried on my way to class. Not a whole lot, but a couple tears down my cheeks. I was about to start crying during class, but fortunately I got my eyes to stop at welling up. It was the weirdest thing. I wanted to cry all weekend, but I couldn't. It felt good, but I was caught off-guard and very confused by it. It should have come before or maybe during the talk. By the time I was in my truck, I was certain it wouldn't happen, but the crazy flood of emotion that had been festering for days finally broke out. I had unintentionally been the kind of person I had not wanted to be, driven by fear and doubt to behave foolishly. The thought crossed my mind that I should have apologized a little more profusely. However, I was also more than happy that the fear of what was coming had finally blown over. Guilt and relief made for a strange mix, like when you try snocone flavors that don't really go together but there's something interesting about the combination that makes you finish the whole thing.
I just don't know what to make of it all.
2.27.2010
Complain
My back has been tight and achy the past couple days.
My eye started burning randomly tonight at Rosa's and won't quit.
My throat has been dry and sore since Thursday.
My nose is stuffy (but mostly in the mornings).
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings and have little motivation once i'm finally up. I don't understand my classes and feel totally behind in all of them. I haven't applied for any jobs, mostly because i haven't really looked. I haven't really looked because i am scared of the future and feel like i don't know anything.
Saturday nights stink. They are supposed to be fun and exciting, and when they aren't I get really disappointed. There's no way around it.
Anyway, I'm feeling grouchy, achy, sad, frustrated, lonely, a little mad, tired, overwhelmed, and disheartened. I know complaining is bad, but I figured complaining to the black hole that is the Interweb might be better than to a person. I just wanted to get it out.
My eye started burning randomly tonight at Rosa's and won't quit.
My throat has been dry and sore since Thursday.
My nose is stuffy (but mostly in the mornings).
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings and have little motivation once i'm finally up. I don't understand my classes and feel totally behind in all of them. I haven't applied for any jobs, mostly because i haven't really looked. I haven't really looked because i am scared of the future and feel like i don't know anything.
Saturday nights stink. They are supposed to be fun and exciting, and when they aren't I get really disappointed. There's no way around it.
Anyway, I'm feeling grouchy, achy, sad, frustrated, lonely, a little mad, tired, overwhelmed, and disheartened. I know complaining is bad, but I figured complaining to the black hole that is the Interweb might be better than to a person. I just wanted to get it out.
5.03.2009
Yay
Today was a good day.
Trip to Austin complete with kayaking, food, and friends.
Upon return, movie night with bubble tea and quesadillas.
It would be hard to beat.
:)
Trip to Austin complete with kayaking, food, and friends.
Upon return, movie night with bubble tea and quesadillas.
It would be hard to beat.
:)
4.13.2009
Knotted
I have this terrible aching/knotted feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel like I'm really nervous... or is it the other way around? It's been around for the last couple of days. I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.
Or all of them to varying degrees.
It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.
I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?
I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.
The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm worried about Dad and hope his doctors can finally figure out some answers. Or maybe I'm thinking too much about how I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. Then again, it could be nerves about the stupid term paper for the class I can't stand. It could be that I can't get along with my mother no matter how hard I try. Maybe.
Or all of them to varying degrees.
It is a horrifying reality that whatever God chooses, despite anything I may want or beg Him for, is right and good and perfect. It brings the strangest mixture of emotions. There's peace in some sense because I know He has a plan. At the same time, there's a lot of fear because I also know that the aforementioned plan is oftentimes painfully different than the plans I suggest to the Lord.
I want to trust Him. I try to trust Him. I pray. I cry. I tell myself He's good. I can't help but wonder: Will I still be telling myself that if my dad never gets better?
I like to think I will, but that's just one of those cosmic questions. Whether or not I stand in God's goodness does not change the fact that God IS good. It makes me feel small to say it (which may not be such a bad thing), but who am I to be nervous about the life situation God has me in? It is all His anyway, right? My dad's health, the relationship I have with my mom, my education, not to mention the entire universe are all held in His hand. What He chooses to give and take is solely up to Him. It is only by His great goodness that He gives anything at all.
The feeling is still there. I can't say for sure that it is a bad thing. I certainly don't like it, but it keeps reminding me to pray and trust. It is a give and take world.
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